Archive for January, 2010

You tell me, but I found the sex and the purple prose in this one so bad that I’m bringing it back for an encore. Starting at page #441:

‘Renee shut her eyes and wheeled her thoughts away from the gentle battering her ramparts were undergoing……..Pleasure whammed her as the slow fingers slid deeper, parting the florets, and rubbed her slippery, throbbing flesh to blissful relief. She cried with helpless excitement as his thumb circled the seat of her delight with tantalizing patience intended to prologue her climactic, gratifying convulsions, rendering her soft and pliant for his designs. Oh, this was heresy. Her faithless body, enchanted with a lustful vampire, melted in anticipation of ravishment; her over-emotional mind filled with wonder and yearning.

Michael groaned at the dewy invitation. He spread the warm moisture around her corolla, making her crave his ultimate possession. He plunged two long fingers inside her and hooked them to stroke an astoundingly, marvelously tender spot. Sweetness welled up in her with shuddering force. Bubbles eddied and rippled and burst in a radiant unending flow of contentment. Her inner muscles fluttered and pulsed around his fingers, the rapturous sensation saturating her whole being. His thumb swirled around her little hill of Venus, pressing, insisting, and swiftly milking another whirlpool of jolting pleasure that shot to the tips of her hair and fingernails. She fizzed and juddered, sobbing as the flow descended upon her.’

Heh, had to go look up corolla at dictionary.com. Oy vey. Had enough yet or would you like to read more? Same page:

‘He lifted his glistening hand to her view, resting his chin on her arm……He presses his fingers to his nose, inhaling deeply…….”Your natural perfume intoxicates me, did you know that?”‘

No this isn’t a romance they’re telling us, it’s historical fiction. On to page #442:

‘He playfully bit her bottom and laughed at her fulminating yelps. He splayed his hand on her back and gently pushed to arch her spine so that her bottom thrust upward. He clasped her thighs, knelt down, and put his mouth to the flower of her sex. Squeaks of mortified excitement trilled her throat as he sucked the river of fire between her legs. He opened her with his fingers to grant him better access and rumbled like a bear lapping at a bowl of honey. His tongue rasped, licked, and titillated her Venus sweetness……..’

Fulminating yelps and Venus sweetness. I am not going there.

‘Michael shoved a clever finger inside her, lit the fuse, and the gun went off, explosively…….’

WTF is a clever finger as opposed to a finger that’s not clever? I think this is my favorite though,
‘”Whoa…” Michael murmured in awe. “Volcano of honey”‘

Gag me. Never fear it gets even worse on page 443:

“In her senseless lassitude, she felt the thick, blunt head of his turgid penis prodding her sex……His hand reached down between them to lightly tease the little hill of Venus into granting him admittance…….Her body, lubricious and supple from her erotic, all-dissolving lovemaking, played lascivious traitor; she could do naught but succumb to the imposed intoxication of the senses.”

So that’s what they’re calling a historical novel and not just a romance? I’m a believer, are you?


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Touted as more than a historical romance, it’s historical fiction – well researched and “a window into the daily life of the upper class of the time”, and “The historical fiction novelist wears two hats: the storyteller and the historian. Every word must be checked, because back in 1518 they had different . . . everything! Even the English language was different” were a few bits I found on an author interview here.

OK, so this is serious stuff they tell me despite the cheesy cover. I’m not even going into the disparity between the birth date of the real Princess Renee (daughter of Louis XII), with the date this story takes place (ummm, she’d be eight by my reckoning), let alone a royal princess making whoopee with a mere painter. Want more? The French ambassador calls a Princess of the Blood a royal whore to her face. More? Unattended, she introduces herself to a strange man and only provides her first name. More? The only lady attending this Royal Princess is her old nursemaid, no maids of honor that I saw.

All this plus over the top flowery prose consisting of way too much hitherto, heretofore and verily was enough to do serious wall damage – but this is the moment when the book flew,

“Her hand found his codpiece and kneaded him artfully. “take me, take me,”she implored, yanking her sleeve down to bare a generous white globe. She put his hand on her breast and wiggled her thighs against his groins. The lady was afire!……..Their joining was rough and urgent, pure lust, naught more, and Anne seemed to relish their shameless savagery. As she bounced in frenzied rhythm, her hips gyrating with increasing urgency, her mewing took on a high pitch.”

Be grateful I edited some of the last out. It wasn’t pretty.

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