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Posts Tagged ‘Edward II’

Adj. 1. ungulated – having or resembling hoofs; “horses and other hoofed animals”

Lol! When I spotted this word in a very weird sex scene I assumed it was merely a bad typo – until I looked up the meaning. Clearly my limited imagination was not grasping everything the author was trying to convey. Probably just as well it went over my head. Sir Alex de Beaumont has pledged to go on crusade with Edward Longshanks (soon to be Edward I), but he fears telling his new bride and slips out quietly after consummating the union. He disappears and is believed dead, but returns just as Lady Katherine (Kat) is preparing to wed again. Kat not being your typical meek and dutiful Medieval Miss she declares her husband to be a “treacherous bastard” among other names and denies her husband her bed (why the King and the priests didn’t insist she be an obedient wife and submit to her husband…..). Alex is part alpha male and part wimp and pleads with Kat to allow him the chance to regain her trust – but if he can’t he’ll go to the Pope and get an annulment (how on earth he thinks he’ll get that when even Kings had a hard time getting one of those I’ll never know….).

There’s also a mystery surrounding the attack on Alex and his imprisonment, and the threats on his life continue upon his return to court and include a couple of baddies referred to as Scarface and One Eye (how original). Of course Kat gets involved despite Alex’s efforts to keep her in the dark and just like any other well bred medieval noblewoman she can pull the dagger from her boot and throw it with daring precision as well as being able to tumble the bad guy over her shoulder, rides astride like a man (at court, no less while attending on the Queen) leap tall buildings with a single bound…..

Um, just kidding about the last one. This is a silly silly plot filled with more holes than swiss cheese, very bad sex scenes in minute excruciating detail (although some are so OTT they’re laugh out loud funny at times),

“After long delicious moments he added his thumb and pressed against her engorged bud. She cried out loud, her juices bathing his fingers.”

“her breasts peeped out like twin melons, lushly abundant and full. He wanted nothing more than to pluck the sweet flesh to readiness, to suck and plunder her breasts with his lip and tongue.”

 

Add to that a heavy-handed use of words in an effort to make it all sound authentic – “prithee”, “forsooth”, “verily” “aright” and others (at least there wasn’t a bunch of “woe is me”). Whew. I lost count at how many times Alex “snarled” and “growled”, let alone how many times we had to hear about the tips and buds of Kat’s bountiful breasts. Gag me. Oh and since it’s a purply prosed romance novel we must have an abundant overuse of the word honey:

“He shouted out as his essence exploded inside her. Simultaneously her honey-drenched muscles contracted tightly around his shaft again and again………Kat cried out as her flesh throbbed and her honey flowed, the little contractions inside her milking his seed into her womb.”

“The honey-drenched walls of her sheath contracted around his fingers.”

 

In the end, it’s just a fluffy wall-paper romance in a make believe historical setting that’s really only there for the purpose of filling it with OTT sex scenes which includes lots of oral sex (I could swear that would have been considered a sin and they should have been running for the nearest priest to confess but what do I know?). If that’s what you like in a book, this might be the one for you. Otherwise, I’d skip this. Wish I had.
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Don’t stare too long at that cover, those eyes will give you the willies. Sooooo, I’m going my merry way checking the HF forum at PaperbackSwap and stumble into one about a book on Edward II I’d never heard of – Gaveston – which focuses on his notorious relationship with Piers Gaveston. The only setback is it’s published by the Gay Men’s Press Collection. Yikes!

Anyhoo, one of the gals who’d just read it decided to pass it along to me and I’d heard that Hunt’s historical facts were spot on so I was game to give it a whirl. Although, what was billed as a love story was IMHO more of a lust story, but I only made it to page #101 so what do I know? Maybe it did get serious later on…..

Or maybe not. The book starts when Edward is a young teen and he already has a bent towards his preference to men over women by the time Piers shows up. Edward is instantly smitten and desperately in love – does Piers return his feelings or is he simply in it for lands and titles? After slogging through their *wedding ceremony* as well as Piers taking young Edward out to the stews to give him some experience with a woman (wonder why that encounter was behind closed doors without a scrap of detail but the next one where it’s all young boys we get a full blown no holds bared retelling?). Gross, gross, gross – although the book finally flew when in the midst of a battle campaign surrounded by an army the lads just can’t keep their hands off of each other.

“Piers stood in his breeches, a sight to be savoured. There was the firmness of his dark-skinned torso, and his muscular arms; the lean slender belly, the little black curls that showed about the navel. But the breeches! The breeches were tight-fitting, hugging arse and thighs to somewhat above the knee,and trimmed with orphrey, as it is called, Phrygian gold, that same rich embroidery that priests use on holy vestments. Luxurious, sybaritic, sensuous….

I licked my lips. “Unpeel, O blessed one.”

And that friends is when the book flew – although at least there wasn’t any volcano of honey :p

Edward was a simpering wimp constantly mooning over Piers (actually more over his “arse”, but you get my drift) and I just couldn’t take anymore. I guess if you are really interested in the period and can tolerate the constant sex go for it, but in the meantime Michele is next on the list, although what payback I’ll get this time has me quaking in my boots.

If you do want to read more about Edward, I highly recommend Susan Higginbotham’s excellent The Traitor’s Wife. I appreciate an author who can take such a controversial topic and handle it with good taste and delicacy and just shut the bedroom door. I hear the author has written several other *historical fiction* books but I think I’ll pass.

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