How does stuff like this get published anyway?

The quick run down: professor Jessica Garrett and some colleagues are staying at a dude ranch and take a ride on an old stagecoach dressed in period piece. Whilst travelling through this mysterious canyon, they hit a bump in the road, Jessica’s knocked out and when she wakes up, she’s landed in the 1880’s. Their stagecoach is robbed by the notorious Reklaw gang and the boys decide to take Jessica home to Ma. Ma Reklaw rules the roost with her broom and fiery temper and insists the boys court Jessica like proper gentlemen and let the best man win. Oldest brother Cole (the strong MCP silent type), doesn’t fall all over her like the younger boys , but he’s hot for Jessica and she’s soon hot for him as well.

Jessica adapts to life in the 1880’s with relative ease (doesn’t seem to miss running water much at all), and starts teaching the Reklaw boys how to read and write, act like gentlemen and even encourages them to come to town and attend church and social functions so they can meet nice young ladies of their own. ‘Course, since they are notorious outlaws they have to take on assumed names but it doesn’t seem to occur to anyone to wonder about another family of five brothers…

Oh well. Jessica and Cole have lots of misunderstandings on the way to happiness, the brothers have sweethearts of their own, and there’s a big battle with the evil nasty mine owner. Sound silly? Well it is supposed to be a *funny* novel, but unfortunately the humor falls flat as a pancake. The younger Reklaw boys were ridiculous as all get out, their twanging accents got old very very fast, and Ma was more harridan than loveable curmudgeon.

Ma with her broom

My quibbles:  Jessica calmly tells anyone and everyone that she graduated from university in New Mexico and had tought college level in Greeley. Over and above the fact that none of the males batted an eye at that statement, is that the story takes place in the 1880’s (I think it was 1888, but I am not going back to read again to find out). I googled universities in New Mexico for that period. Found one – the University of New Mexico – and Wik says it was founded in 1889. You do the math, but even if they were accepting ladies back then she did her four years just a wee bit early. Googled universities in Greeley. Found one. Same problem – even if women were allowed to teach college level students back then, the school wasn’t founded until 1889.

Now I know it’s a romance and we can’t expect as much historically, but still! OK, maybe they didn’t have Wik back in the late 90’s when this was written so that’s an excuse. Neither here nor there, the writing is just awful with plentiful silly prose and eye rolling bad sex.

“your eyes…so damn beautiful and big.”…”I have big eyes for you.”

*Rolls eyes*

“His powerful body backlit by sparkling morning sunshine, he appeared the epitome of arrogant, cynical male.”

Oh, the scintillating prose. Not. Almost forgot to tell you about the sex by an anthill scene. See, Jessica unknowingly sits on an anthill and Cole has to rip her clothes off to save her. Perfect lead up to sex (natch), but they do it on the ground right by the anthill and does either of them say a word or get bit during the act? No, they do not.

“There was only one way to ensure her silence, her cooperation-and that was with his mouth on hers and him buried deep inside her.”

!!!

“I’m claiming that other pulse of yours, the one deep inside you.”

Gag me.

” Hot filaments of passion threaded their way deep inside her, tormenting her…It was going to happen she realized. They were going to have hot, uninhibited sex again and she was powerless to do anything about it.”

And let’s not worry, younger brother Billy and his darlin’ Dumpling (yes, that is her name) get their own hot love scene,

“Billy was beyond replying, totally focused on the exquisite womanflesh squeezing about him. Dumpling was tight, velvety, so hot. He eased back and forth, tasting her, teasing her, spreading her wetness. Her moans further stoked his passions, and even though she was slick now, her virgin flesh gripped him with a pressure and friction that almost shattered his control. He pulled back and penetrated deep, beginning to move in earnest.”

Words fail me. Then there’s the big love scene in the upscale hotel in the public bathroom down the hall that had me scratching my head for a moment,

“He caught her hand and pressed his fingers to his swollen manhood.”

Uh, his fingers? Kinda sounded like a one man party for a moment there 😉  By this time you won’t even care if Jessica gets back to the future or stays in the past to marry Cole, and you’ll be gagging over Jessica’s Susy Sunshine Pollyanna attitude. There is a sequel called Bushwhacked Groom, but I will be passing on that party. Anyone else game to read it and report back? I hear that Eugenia Riley was Fabio’s ghost writer, don’t miss Zosia’s hilarious reviews here and here.

 

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Heir Apparent Sheri by Vangen-Ratcliffe

 Do you remember those campy sci-fi movies in the 50’s that were so bad they were fun to watch? Well, that’s pretty much the way I had to look at this book and certainly the only way I finished it (although I don’t think the author intended this to be a satirical farce). The basic premise sounded interesting for readers looking for an entertaining time slip of a book – masons working at Hampton Court in 2070 find a woman’s body and a letter that leads them to believe that she was Henry VIII’s mistress and pregnant. Curator Kaitlyn Rose has issues of her own, as Anne Boleyn’s ghost seems to really have it in for her, and she’s in love with her boss Colin. Half brothers Colin and Brighton (who have a mysterious past that shocks the you know what out of Kaitlyn)hate each other, and the aging Queen Mum sends them all back to Henry VIII’s court to find the pregnant woman and bring her back to the future so England will have an heir. Once our intrepid time travelers arrive they hook up with Henry and Anne and their court and surprise (!) Henry immediately starts lusting after the beauteous Kaitlyn while the evil brother Brighton schemes to leave his hated brother Colin in the past. OK, now that I’ve put that down on paper it _is_ sounding a bit silly.

Where to begin on what is wrong with this book when there are so many places to start? First off, this is apparently self-published POD which means no editor. And boy did this book need editing. Typos on almost every page — you instead of your, now instead of know,there instead of their, ware instead of wear, you’re instead of your, 5:00 shadow and then two pages later it’s five o’clock shadow — get the picture? Now for the setting of London in 2070, outside of a few Jetsonesque like references to 3D TV, I really didn’t get much feeling for being decades ahead of our current lifestyle. Worse yet, the way the dialogue was written in an attempt at British accents was way over the top – virtually every sentence had either bloke, bloody or bollocks in it.

Now for the story itself. Two men and a woman traveling alone walk right into Hampton Court and they’re just accepted like that? No one is shocked at unmarried Kaitlyn traveling alone with two men and no chaperone? No lady to attend her? Righto. They’re promptly given rooms by Henry and Kaitlyn’s given the room of his absent mistress – yet still no lady to attend her. Worse yet, Colin comes and goes and spends the night (!!) in Kaitlyn’s room and not an eyebrow raised. Want more? How about Anne Boleyn the Queen of England running off to the forest to make whoopee with Brighton and nobody notices? I could go on and on but you get the picture.

Now, why is this so campy and hysterically funny? For starters, the emergency kit brought along by Kaitlyn was priceless – “her tried and true pink and blue plaid pajama pants with their matching pink tank top”, biscuits, diet cola, chocolate, tampons, anti-bacterial soap and lice killing shampoo (I did not need to read about the other part of her body that needed shampooing). Kaitlyn keeps getting tipsy during the Court entertainments and ends up on Colin’s lap (!!), or better yet all the times she’s mad about something and in front of the King and Queen she pouts and puts her arms akimbo. Although the flat out hands down winner that had me on the floor laughing was when our intrepid heroine displays her skill in martial arts and karate chops Henry’s guards when they attempt to arrest Colin. One of my favorite quotes:

“Without hesitation, Henry snapped back into king mode, hastily slipped through the door, sans shirt, with his breeches half opened, barely containing his thwarted…” (I won’t use the word but it starts with an “e”).

There you have it, a silly plot filled with huge gaping holes that falls apart quickly, poor sentence structure laden with typos and way too many commas along with cartoon cut-out characters all add up to a mess of a book and a serious waste of a tree. If you find it at the used bookstore for a penny (no more) and want a few laughs go for it, otherwise skip this. It doesn’t even deserve one star.

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