Posts Tagged ‘wall-banger’

The quick run down: professor Jessica Garrett and some colleagues are staying at a dude ranch and take a ride on an old stagecoach dressed in period piece. Whilst travelling through this mysterious canyon, they hit a bump in the road, Jessica’s knocked out and when she wakes up, she’s landed in the 1880’s. Their stagecoach is robbed by the notorious Reklaw gang and the boys decide to take Jessica home to Ma. Ma Reklaw rules the roost with her broom and fiery temper and insists the boys court Jessica like proper gentlemen and let the best man win. Oldest brother Cole (the strong MCP silent type), doesn’t fall all over her like the younger boys , but he’s hot for Jessica and she’s soon hot for him as well.

Jessica adapts to life in the 1880’s with relative ease (doesn’t seem to miss running water much at all), and starts teaching the Reklaw boys how to read and write, act like gentlemen and even encourages them to come to town and attend church and social functions so they can meet nice young ladies of their own. ‘Course, since they are notorious outlaws they have to take on assumed names but it doesn’t seem to occur to anyone to wonder about another family of five brothers…

Oh well. Jessica and Cole have lots of misunderstandings on the way to happiness, the brothers have sweethearts of their own, and there’s a big battle with the evil nasty mine owner. Sound silly? Well it is supposed to be a *funny* novel, but unfortunately the humor falls flat as a pancake. The younger Reklaw boys were ridiculous as all get out, their twanging accents got old very very fast, and Ma was more harridan than loveable curmudgeon.

Ma with her broom

My quibbles:  Jessica calmly tells anyone and everyone that she graduated from university in New Mexico and had tought college level in Greeley. Over and above the fact that none of the males batted an eye at that statement, is that the story takes place in the 1880’s (I think it was 1888, but I am not going back to read again to find out). I googled universities in New Mexico for that period. Found one – the University of New Mexico – and Wik says it was founded in 1889. You do the math, but even if they were accepting ladies back then she did her four years just a wee bit early. Googled universities in Greeley. Found one. Same problem – even if women were allowed to teach college level students back then, the school wasn’t founded until 1889.

Now I know it’s a romance and we can’t expect as much historically, but still! OK, maybe they didn’t have Wik back in the late 90’s when this was written so that’s an excuse. Neither here nor there, the writing is just awful with plentiful silly prose and eye rolling bad sex.

“your eyes…so damn beautiful and big.”…”I have big eyes for you.”
*Rolls eyes*
“His powerful body backlit by sparkling morning sunshine, he appeared the epitome of arrogant, cynical male.”
Oh, the scintillating prose. Not. Almost forgot to tell you about the sex by an anthill scene. See, Jessica unknowingly sits on an anthill and Cole has to rip her clothes off to save her. Perfect lead up to sex (natch), but they do it on the ground right by the anthill and does either of them say a word or get bit during the act? No, they do not.
“There was only one way to ensure her silence, her cooperation-and that was with his mouth on hers and him buried deep inside her.”
“I’m claiming that other pulse of yours, the one deep inside you.”
Gag me.
” Hot filaments of passion threaded their way deep inside her, tormenting her…It was going to happen she realized. They were going to have hot, uninhibited sex again and she was powerless to do anything about it.”
And let’s not worry, younger brother Billy and his darlin’ Dumpling (yes, that is her name) get their own hot love scene,
“Billy was beyond replying, totally focused on the exquisite womanflesh squeezing about him. Dumpling was tight, velvety, so hot. He eased back and forth, tasting her, teasing her, spreading her wetness. Her moans further stoked his passions, and even though she was slick now, her virgin flesh gripped him with a pressure and friction that almost shattered his control. He pulled back and penetrated deep, beginning to move in earnest.”
Words fail me. Then there’s the big love scene in the upscale hotel in the public bathroom down the hall that had me scratching my head for a moment,
“He caught her hand and pressed his fingers to his swollen manhood.”
Uh, his fingers? Kinda sounded like a one man party for a moment there 😉  By this time you won’t even care if Jessica gets back to the future or stays in the past to marry Cole, and you’ll be gagging over Jessica’s Susy Sunshine Pollyanna attitude. There is a sequel called Bushwhacked Groom, but I will be passing on that party. Anyone else game to read it and report back? I hear that Eugenia Riley was Fabio’s ghost writer, don’t miss Zosia’s hilarious reviews here and here.

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There’s a good reason this one is out of print….

“She knew, as he loved her, as he took her to the heights of passion – of pleasure – that she belonged to him, her lord and master, her highwayman, her nightrider, forever…” Oh dear, with such insightful (not) prose what is there left to say? Run for the hills perhaps?

Upon the death of her father the Earl of Barthorp, Lady Bliss Paynter is a ward of the court until Charles II sells her guardianship off to the odious Sir Basil Holme. Enter stage left Kit (Christopher) who becomes Baron de Wilde upon the death of his father. Kit’s family had supported Cromwell during the Civil Wars and lost their lands when Charles was restored to the throne – lands that were given to Bliss’s father. Kit vows to not let the villagers loyal to the de Wilde family and Chatham castle starve and he takes to the highway to rob from the rich and give to the poor. When Kit sets upon the carriage carrying the beauteous Bliss on the way to Chatham castle he steals a kiss and her heart as well…

Bliss’s guardian soon decides to wed her off to the fortune hunting Stephen Villiers, a distant cousin of George Villiers, The Duke of Buckingham. At this point the story becomes Terribly Tangled with Mistaken Identities, the Big Misunderstanding, and other silly plot twists that I have no desire to revisit again. I wish nothing more than to forget them and move on to better books.

I’m not one to let a cheesy cover scare me away from a book as I’ve found some really great treasures behind them but trust me – this book is not one of them. If you enjoy a book with a wimpy hero who does nothing but snarl and growl and furrow his eyebrows, a TSTL heroine who can’t seem to find any other fabric to wear besides velvet along with cardboard cut-out black and white baddies this might suit but otherwise I’d give it a miss. Oh, and if you’re thinking you don’t care because you’re just looking for a wall-paper historical with lots of sex like the cover suggests? Guess what – you’ll not find much of that either – what little sex there is in this book is very very tame. Skip this.

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***Please finish eating and swallow your beverage prior to reading this review. The Book Blogger’s Shelf of Shame will not be held responsible for monitor damage if you foolishly continue to do so.***

Sooooo, after hearing about the latest author behaving bad kerfuffle (if you missed it you can catch up on it here) wherein Candace Sams takes serious umbrage with a couple of critical reviewers on Amazon. If that’s not bad enough she actually offered up Klausner (!!) as a prime example of what a good reviewer should be. Lord help us all if we must become Klausner Klones and litter the world with more badly written reviews. Anyway, not being one to let a few one star reviews stop me and since the library had it I decided to see for myself. Big mistake. Huge.

Basic plot run-down: somewhere in the future some evil villainous types have stolen the banned Ache blaster weapons and are preparing to sell them to the highest bidder. In steps Earth policewoman Sagan Carter who is assigned to assist Oceanun enforcer Captain Keir Trask who is going undercover to smoke the baddies out and save the day. The undercover assignment you ask? Why he’s going to enter the Mr. Interstellar Feller pageant – a galaxy wide mega event put on in Los Angeles and sponsored by the makers of the Pluto Pillow Mints.

In true romance novel fashion the two are drop dead gorgeous (more on Keir’s appearance shortly) and they are instantly in lust with each other but they hate each other at the same time (isn’t that original?). Of course Sagan can’t abide anyone keeping secrets from her, so there’s a small sub-plot to the Ache blasters with some jewels that is super secret and Keir has orders from his superiors not divulge to anyone – just what we need to keep our two lovers at odds. How original. I think you can figure out the rest – our pair of lovebirds and Keir’s sidekick and BFF battle the evil baddies as we sit on pins and needles (not) waiting for them to save the world…….

OK, that does all sound pretty dumb but I was willing to keep an open mind and at first start I thought it might not be that bad if one is in a fluffy novel kind of mood. Unfortunately, Sams forgets to keep her tongue firmly planted in her cheek and what might have been a fun read quickly evolved into a dreadful mess of a book. Sagan just pouted all the time, while Keir spent most of it either getting a hard-on looking at Sagan or getting pissed off at our Independent Miss and turning a darker shade of green (more on that shortly) and “growling” a lot. The baddies are waaaaaay too OTT in badness and don’t you worry, you’ll guess who the mysterious weapons buyer is lickety split. No surprises here (must be that damn editor’s fault).

Top all that off with mediocre writing that I’m sure is all the editor’s fault. The Pluto Pillow mints were bad enough, apparently there are Purple Porpoises on Keir’s home planet with fins that glow. The story supposedly set well into the future, yet the hotel security still has tapes for Sagan to download and splice to her heart’s content (ummmm, wouldn’t we be digital by now?), along with characters using slang that hasn’t changed one iota in all these years (You all remember the 70’s when we were saying peace and groovy? No one’s doing that now, are they?). Although the hands down laugh out loud moment for me was Keir leaving the Downtown Los Angeles hotel (you all know it’s on the West coast kind of by the beach right?) to head out to the desert and points his hovercraft WEST. Might as well blame that on the editor too. This book might suit in you’re in the mood for a satirical farce (although I don’t think that’s what Sams intended), but otherwise I suggest passing on this one.

So, about our hero from another planet? Have I kept you wondering long enough about the big attraction? He’s described as 7′ tall with “gargantuan pectorals” and light green skin with blue eyes and apparently Sagan can’t keep her eyes (and hands) off of him, but unfortunately for me this image popped into my mind and once there it didn’t go away,

Yep, you guessed it.

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Our bodies slid easily against each other, comfortable and familiar, the sulfurous water was warm and oily on our skins. Have we not been sent to instruct the savages in our way of life? Should this not include matters of the flesh?

Pages read before book collided with The Wall: 145

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You tell me, but I found the sex and the purple prose in this one so bad that I’m bringing it back for an encore. Starting at page #441:

‘Renee shut her eyes and wheeled her thoughts away from the gentle battering her ramparts were undergoing……..Pleasure whammed her as the slow fingers slid deeper, parting the florets, and rubbed her slippery, throbbing flesh to blissful relief. She cried with helpless excitement as his thumb circled the seat of her delight with tantalizing patience intended to prologue her climactic, gratifying convulsions, rendering her soft and pliant for his designs. Oh, this was heresy. Her faithless body, enchanted with a lustful vampire, melted in anticipation of ravishment; her over-emotional mind filled with wonder and yearning.

Michael groaned at the dewy invitation. He spread the warm moisture around her corolla, making her crave his ultimate possession. He plunged two long fingers inside her and hooked them to stroke an astoundingly, marvelously tender spot. Sweetness welled up in her with shuddering force. Bubbles eddied and rippled and burst in a radiant unending flow of contentment. Her inner muscles fluttered and pulsed around his fingers, the rapturous sensation saturating her whole being. His thumb swirled around her little hill of Venus, pressing, insisting, and swiftly milking another whirlpool of jolting pleasure that shot to the tips of her hair and fingernails. She fizzed and juddered, sobbing as the flow descended upon her.’

Heh, had to go look up corolla at dictionary.com. Oy vey. Had enough yet or would you like to read more? Same page:

‘He lifted his glistening hand to her view, resting his chin on her arm……He presses his fingers to his nose, inhaling deeply…….”Your natural perfume intoxicates me, did you know that?”‘

No this isn’t a romance they’re telling us, it’s historical fiction. On to page #442:

‘He playfully bit her bottom and laughed at her fulminating yelps. He splayed his hand on her back and gently pushed to arch her spine so that her bottom thrust upward. He clasped her thighs, knelt down, and put his mouth to the flower of her sex. Squeaks of mortified excitement trilled her throat as he sucked the river of fire between her legs. He opened her with his fingers to grant him better access and rumbled like a bear lapping at a bowl of honey. His tongue rasped, licked, and titillated her Venus sweetness……..’

Fulminating yelps and Venus sweetness. I am not going there.

‘Michael shoved a clever finger inside her, lit the fuse, and the gun went off, explosively…….’

WTF is a clever finger as opposed to a finger that’s not clever? I think this is my favorite though,
‘”Whoa…” Michael murmured in awe. “Volcano of honey”‘

Gag me. Never fear it gets even worse on page 443:

“In her senseless lassitude, she felt the thick, blunt head of his turgid penis prodding her sex……His hand reached down between them to lightly tease the little hill of Venus into granting him admittance…….Her body, lubricious and supple from her erotic, all-dissolving lovemaking, played lascivious traitor; she could do naught but succumb to the imposed intoxication of the senses.”

So that’s what they’re calling a historical novel and not just a romance? I’m a believer, are you?

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Touted as more than a historical romance, it’s historical fiction – well researched and “a window into the daily life of the upper class of the time”, and “The historical fiction novelist wears two hats: the storyteller and the historian. Every word must be checked, because back in 1518 they had different . . . everything! Even the English language was different” were a few bits I found on an author interview here.

OK, so this is serious stuff they tell me despite the cheesy cover. I’m not even going into the disparity between the birth date of the real Princess Renee (daughter of Louis XII), with the date this story takes place (ummm, she’d be eight by my reckoning), let alone a royal princess making whoopee with a mere painter. Want more? The French ambassador calls a Princess of the Blood a royal whore to her face. More? Unattended, she introduces herself to a strange man and only provides her first name. More? The only lady attending this Royal Princess is her old nursemaid, no maids of honor that I saw.

All this plus over the top flowery prose consisting of way too much hitherto, heretofore and verily was enough to do serious wall damage – but this is the moment when the book flew,

“Her hand found his codpiece and kneaded him artfully. “take me, take me,”she implored, yanking her sleeve down to bare a generous white globe. She put his hand on her breast and wiggled her thighs against his groins. The lady was afire!……..Their joining was rough and urgent, pure lust, naught more, and Anne seemed to relish their shameless savagery. As she bounced in frenzied rhythm, her hips gyrating with increasing urgency, her mewing took on a high pitch.”

Be grateful I edited some of the last out. It wasn’t pretty.

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